and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
