So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
