I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
