Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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