you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
its liver damage thursday
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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