I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
