So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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