Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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