weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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