State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
