The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
