Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Randomize
