I can text with my tongue
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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