She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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