Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
