My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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