She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
