I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
