just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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