Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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