it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
