So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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