ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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