just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
