ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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