I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
