is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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