U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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