Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
