I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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