Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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