you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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