y did u give ur computer a hand job?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
