I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Randomize
