I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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