It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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