Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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