So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Did you just see the Batmobile???
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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