Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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