The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
