Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
