im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
