it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
