we made out on top of his cat.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
