the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
