Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
