My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
