She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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