Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
