I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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