You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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