i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
