Three words: puerto rican gang bang
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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