I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
