I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
